


A Cyclamen For Your Lover

by Purple_Hair_and_Crofters



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, Emotional Manipulation, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Roman and Remus are twins, Suicide Attempt, Toxic Relationship, innuendos, major angst, remus is a rat bastard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:47:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24669367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purple_Hair_and_Crofters/pseuds/Purple_Hair_and_Crofters
Summary: "What is a lover but a much cherished friend?"In a world where you must find your soulmate by matching a tattoo provided to you at 18, not everyone is who they say they are and not all happily ever afters are able to happen before the final page of your story.Searching for their matches within the world, a group of friends soon discover that this was a lot more difficult then he seemed. With Roman and Janus hoping for their marks to match, Logan left hopelessly trying to understand his own issues, Remus chasing someone who doesn't want to be his and Patton and Virgil confused by their truth, everyone has something which they are going through.Disclaimer: The characters themselves are not mine, they are created and owned by Thomas Sanders. I am simply using them within this fanfic
Relationships: Logince, Moxiety, Roceit, demus - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. After

Staring out across the buildings surrounding him, the man felt his toes curl over the edge, wind whipping around him and pushing his hair every which way that it decided. His face was burning, the harshness of the cold attacking his skin and sticking hundreds upon hundreds of imaginary needles into every part of him which was exposed to the grasping claws. No matter what position he shifted himself in to, the small flame of heat inside of him could barely make its way past the very inner depths of his heart and it certainly wasn't reaching the tips of his fingers that were frozen, going numb.

If he looked down, he could see the streets. So, so far below. People were walking across the streets like small, toy soldiers, the faintest silhouettes of people holding hands or leaning in towards one another and whispering secrets into the darkness which could be heard by them alone. He could see some one person, visible under the harsh yellow of a streetlamp, fingers grazing over the inside of their arm where a dark mark was contrasting against the paper that was their skin. The man smiled for a moment, watching the person as someone stopped beside them, the two figures embracing before their hands were intwined and the both of them walked away into the buzzing night time crowds.

As soon as he had lost view of the couple, the man looked down at his own arm, pulling the sleeve up so that he could see the mark that was permanently tattooed into his skin on the back of his wrist. The lines and swirls so familiar to him, having been there for long enough that he had memorised every millimeter, every tiny dot and spec that was there. Not that long ago this mark had meant the world to him. Now he could barely stand to look at it.

Fingers gripping the faded edges of his sleeve, he tugged it back down with all his might, making sure that not even the slightes hint of it could be seen anymore. That wasn't what he wanted to look at right now.

The man allowed his eyes to glance back upwards towards the buildings. He could see the tops of so many of them, concrete stones piled one on top of the other to form skyscrapers that, from below, looked as if they could scrape across the sky alongside the clowds. But when you were stood on top of them, arms outstretched into the completely empy air that existed in front of him, they didn't touch the sky at all. In fact, as he reached his open palm up towards the stars that were brightly dotted around the inky black of night, the man would beg to argue that he felt further away from the sky than he did when he was on regular ground.

A short breeze shot past his face and the man let his arms drop lifelessly to his side. His face remained angled upwards, eyes darting from constellation to constellation, focusing on star after star as if searching amongst the vast expanse of nothing for the answer which he had been desperately looking for. There had to be an answer somewhere. He didn't know whether it was within the tattoo that was imposible to get rid of, whether he could find it by reading the lights that surrounded him, whether it was written amongst the people who walked innocently to their meaningless destinations.

There were cars revving engines and arguments with empty words spitting across lanes, the beeping of a reversing lorry, chatter which he couldn't hear properly but which he knew wouldn't make any difference in a few months. Nothing would matter in a few months.

"What are you doing?!"

Allowing his head to slowly drop down to his chest, the man glanced his eyes backwards for the slightest second, registering who it was before just directing his stare back to the bustling streets that were slowly filtering out as the night went on.

"Please, come down from there."

"How did you find where I was?"

The other man walked across the roof slowly, footsteps hesitant, scared. He didn't know what was happening. He could comprehend the situation, he knew that this situation was bad, very bad, but he didn't know what else there was that he could do. There was nothing which he had ever learnt or watched or read or heard or listened to which could have ever told him what it was that he needed to do to make sure that they both came off the top of this building.

"You once spoke about how much you loved the stars. This was the only place that I could think of which would serve both that purpose and.. and your other purpose."

"You should leave."

Inching closer to him, the guy tried getting as close as he could manage. If only he could grab hold onto his shirt and then he could pull him backwards, away from the edge.

"And leave you here? Alone? I would never do such a thing."

"What exactly are you going to do? You get much closer and I'll just step forward like I had intended to. I won't.. I won't let you talk me out of this one. I may not be certain about a lot of things, but this is definitely one of them."

He instantly came to a stop, hands that were reaching forward stopping halfway upwards towards him. His breath hitched in his throat, trying to think of something to say. The air in his lungs suddenly didn't feel like enough, it didn't feel like he was able to get the oxygen that he needed to even exist right now. No matter how much he tried to take deep breaths, to take in the air that he needed, it seemed to be never enough, never what he needed.

"I am not going to leave you alone here. I am not going to allow you to throw your life away when there is still so much here left for you-"

"Like what!?" He yelled, body shaking, fists clenching so hard at his side that his finger nails were digging so deep into his skin that he could feel blood dripping down. The salted tears sent silvery tears down his cheeks. "The friends who are happy with each other and are more than capable of existing without me? What about the soulmate who I don't have? Do you have any idea what it was like to find out that the one person who you were in love with, the person who you thought you were meant to spend the rest of your life with, wasn't even your soulmate? I fell for him. I fell for him hard. And look where the hell that got me. Alone, stood on top of a building with one sole person who claims to care about me."

There was a moment of silence. Breathing shallow, the man behind him was moving again. Not forward or anything which could indicate that he was trying to get closer, but the rustling of fabric, buttons clinking against the floor as a jacket was discarded and dark sleeves were rolled up. Holding his arm forward, he directed it towards where he knew that it could be seen, if eyes dared to look back.  
"You're not alone. If you were alone I would not be here. Why do you think I never showed you my soulmark? I didn't want to disrupt what you had."

The man turned his head, eyes widening into the size of golfballs, the faintest of sobs rising through his chest and spilling past his lips. It was getting later into the evening, streetlamps being the only source of true light for those below him and the cresent moon barely counted as a source of light for any of them. Even the stars which had appeared so bright now dimmed down into the tiniest dots within the sky. A small part of him refused to believe it, that it had been there for so long and the answer which he was searching for had been so close to him after all this time. The rest of him wanted to collapse into his arms. Through blurred vision he focused upon the hand extended towards him, tears rolling in streams and dropping onto the stone by his feet.

"Let's talk this out. Come back home."

He nodded shortly. Shuffling his feet slowly until he was turned around properly, he took a slow breath and reached back towards safety. Back towards someone. Back towards home. Back towards nothing.

"No- No!"

His foot had gone forward, aiming for the solid surface of the roof and coliding with the edge of the small wall which was supposed to act as a barrier between people and the drop below them. His foot had slid forward, body swooping backwards, arms swinging helplessly as he desperately reached forward for someone to grab hold of him. He had told him to stay back, why had he told him to stay back? He could hear him pounding forward and trying to reach out for some sort of grip. But he could feel the air whipping around him. And that tight feeling in his chest has grown into something which wouldn't go away.

Maybe this was a sign, that the soulmark meant nothing. That his stupidity for believing someone for so long had meant that he deserved to never actually ever be happy. He smiled. He had been there, all along. After all this time. Closing his eyes, he decided that it was better if the last thing he saw was his face hovering above him, rather than the building that was screaming past his eyes.


	2. Before

Relationships when you are younger are incredibly discouraged. The likelihood that the person who you are in that relationship with being the same person who ends up being your soulmate are incredibly slim. So much so that a vast amount of people actively refuse to be with anyone until they can be certain that it is the right person. Others do not follow this logic, and so still go into relationships regardless of the chance that they have of being destined for that person. If they are truly in love then, in exceptional circumstances, they remain together even after the inevitable discovery that they are not soulmates. There was one story, a couple of years back. A couple who had been childhood friends and had been going out for a decade, having jokingly said yes when they were 8, discovered at 18 when their soul marks were revealed that they were actually soulmates. The news loved that and lapped it up as if the media had been starved for months.

You will find that you are a lot more hard pressed to find a story which revolves around the negative parts of the soul mark. There will always be the magazines or the blogs online in which people write their sob stories of lovers who turned out to be nothing more than a minor fling or being entirely abandoned the second that they established that they were not their soulmate, but the mainstream media refused to talk about any of this. If you asked any of those in charge as to why this was the case, you would get some pathetic response talking about there already being enough bad in the world as it was. In reality, they just didn't want people to know how bad relationships before soul mark reveals could actually be.

One such couple who went against the general expectations of quite literally everyone around them were sat, waiting, foreheads rested against one another and fingers curling around palms where their hands were joined in front of them. One of them whispered something, the other giggling softly and giving a quick reply. They were in the park, having decided to meet with the other members of their group before they all went to one of their houses for a celebration. An 18th birthday.

In any other situation, an 18th birthday, whilst monumental, overall doesn't hold all that weight in a person's life. Not anymore. At 10pm on the evening of your 18th birthday, a persons soul mark is revealed. A small tattoo somewhere on your body which is matched only by the person who is your soulmate. Only that person or people will share your soul mark, the defining feature which is proof from the universe that you were destined from the beginning of your creation.

"You lovebirds make me sick."

Glancing up, the couple laughed, hands remaining firmly locked together but heads creating a gap between them and separating so that they could talk to the person who had just arrived.

"Good to see you too, Virge. Did you have to drag yourself away from listening to My Chemical Romance just to join us?"

Punching the guy lightly on the arm as he arrived beside him, folding his arms and sitting down onto the floor. His body leant backwards as he chuckled, staring between the two of them. Virgil was one of the easiest to identify against the others, if only due to the dark eyeshadow which he consistently sported with no break. The others had tried to convince him to look into other styles on a many number of occasions, but he dismissed the attempts without even considering them and remained to this day a loyal member of the emo's.

"Oh shut it Roman. You're just jealous that I have better style than you."

"I am not!" He gasped, immediately delving into the dramatics that he was so fond of, raising the back of his hand to rest lightly against his forehead in a mock, faint expression. "I am far superior to you, you are just annoyed that I get my soul mark first."

"Well it is your party tonight prince charming. None of us could beat you on that one."

Grinning triumphantly, Roman raised the hand which was still joined with that of the man beside him, pointing it towards the sky and receiving a sharp laugh. "Success is mine!" Deliberately keeping it there for several seconds, Roman allowed their arms to drop as a faint kiss was planted on his cheek and a dusting of red blush began to crawl it's way across his skin. A true thespian and fashion enthusiast, Roman could clearly be said to be the most dramatic of them all. Any situation was an opportunity to practice his performance skills, and with outfits that were sometimes so costume like that little kids would tug on his sleeve in the middle of the street and ask if he was a prince, it wasn't surprising to discover that his goal was to become a famous actor. It was likewise not all that surprising to discover that he was actually really good, when he was given the chance.

"You're all already here! Oh goodness isn't this exciting? One of us, finally getting our soul mark."

The next to join the group was practically bounding, skipping with an excitement and enthusiasm that none of the others were ever able to gather. He fell to a stop beside Virgil, waving down towards the man who was now laying fully on his back, arms resting under his head as a support so that he could stare at the clouds. Looking up at the couple sat on the bench, his eyes darted across the two of them, gleaming as if he knew that he had just walked in on something which would have been best kept in private, a moment which he was certainly not going to back out of now. He lifted his leg up, crossing over the sprawled out man, stumbling to a stop in front of Roman and offering a large box-shaped parcel to him.

"Happy birthday Ro! I can't believe that you've finally made it to this point, and look at you two being adorable." Tilting his head, he smiled broadly, "I wouldn't be surprised if you share a soul mark after all!"

"Thanks Pat. I'll open this later with the others." He could feel the guy beside him shifting nervously, not wanting to say what they both were thinking. That the chances of them being soulmates were so low that they dare not think about it. There was a few seconds of uncertain silence, Roman breaking it by gently squeezing the hand which he held onto like a lifeline. "I hope we do." Once he had registered what had been said, a small squeeze of recognition, of reply, was given back and he allowed for his face to settle its features into a steady, if not entirely believable, smile.

"When's your birthday again Jan?"

Patton claimed to be the father figure of them all. A role model to look up to as a good example of character. The word 'claimed' should be used rather diligently whilst the phrase 'good example' should be glanced upon with some healthy scepticism. It wasn't that he didn't try to make sure that the others could rely on him, it was just that he was more of a kid at heart than the rest of them combined and no matter what he did, he always seemed to cause the most trouble. Such as the time he had offered to bake cookies and almost burnt his house down because he got distracted by a cute puppy which was being walked down the street outside his house. Or the time he nearly walked into oncoming traffic because he was busy adjusting the cardigan which was sat around his neck. Or the instance in which he went to save a kitten from drowning in a lake but forgot that he himself couldn't swim and so had relied on the others leaping in to save both him and the cat. Long story short, he tried his best but was usually the one the others needed to check up on, rather than the intended other way around.

"February 3rd. So there is a significant gap between Roman discovering his soul mark, and me discovering mine. It's not the most comforting thought in the world."

To someone who only saw the scene, Janus would seem rather calm about it, doting towards Roman and clearly trying to think of anything other than the possibility that the two were not soulmates. To someone who observed, he cared so greatly that it was heartbreaking to watch. His thumb unconsciously ran itself over the back of his wrist, the position where the tattoo was always placed. Eyes darting between Roman's beaming face and the empty space which both of them possessed. By the end of the day, one of them would know. There was nothing which anybody could do about it, and the length of time between both of their soul mark reveals was something extra to be added to the ever-growing pile of worries that Janus seemed to have right about now.

"Don't worry about it Jan," Virgil called up, not bothering to sit up to talk to them and instead allowing his voice to carry over, "Roman's never going to let you go unless he has to. You know what he's like once he's attached."

"How very well dare you! I am capable of making my own decisions you dark circled raccoon!"

"Give me a break Sir Perfect. As if you would ever believe that the two of you didn't share a soul mark. You would rather give up acting then ever admit to that."

"That is not true and you know it-"

Cutting through the middle of the argument, a loud, authoritative cough brought the two of them to their senses. A new figure now stood in the centre of the group, their numbers ever increasing. If any of them had bothered to check the time at that exact moment, then it would have been found that it was exactly thirty minutes past three in the afternoon. To the second. What was the point in planning things out if he wasn't going to follow them to the greatest extent that he was capable of? He glared between Roman and Virgil, burning a message into the both of them with his stare that he had no need to repeat: 'stop arguing. Now.' Certain that they understood, he pushed his glasses up with his index finger and finally took the time which he needed to observe those around him.

"Lo! You made it!" Patton giggled, clapping his hands together. "You never let us down, so I don't know why I was concerned about this time, but it's good to see you."

"I agreed to be a part of this party, so I shall be a part of this party. Besides, I'm not often invited to social gatherings so this is new territory for me to explore whilst I have the opportunity to even attempt to do so." Pulling his bag to be in front of him, he produced a small box wrapped neatly in a matte red covering. "You should find it enjoyable." He said, placing it in Roman's outstretched palm.

"Thanks Logan, I'll put it with the others."

Logan went to nod, not having the opportunity to do so before arms had been flung around him and he was awkwardly stood with his own arms clamped to his side, trapped in the centre of a hug. Affection, why did it have to be affection?

"Oh, I missed you Lo."

"Patton, you saw me yesterday. We are in the same mathematics class."

"But still it's been a whole day!"

Just about managing to shift so that he could pull his arms out, Logan patted Patton's shoulder gently, discretely aiming to try and push him off. As much as he wanted to, it really seemed as if he wasn't going to get out of this hug any time soon if the crushing grip was anything to go by, Logan ultimately sighing in defeat. He lifted his arms up stiffly, not quite sure what he was doing but eventually managing to slowly wrap his arms back around Patton's neck and settled into a position in which he would at least not be entirely winded.

"If you're hugging then you should just go ahead and suck his dick already."

Looking over his shoulder, Logan rolled his eyes. Perfect. It was often the misinterpretation that Logan was the one out of all of them who experienced the least amount of feelings and as such was essentially just a walking dictionary, fact knowing machine. On the contrary, he had a lot of emotions, he was just really really bad at showing them. Conditional love as a child had meant that he quickly established the belief that there was no reason for him to show how he was feeling to others unless it meant that he was going to receive some form of encouragement in return. He was working on it. Slowly. He was just uncertain what to do with the unfiltered emotions which he now had. Of course he continued to delve into random research which intrigued him as a method of taking his mind off things, so at this point he could tell you some facts about whatever topic it was that your heart desired to know about; from facts about the most obscure of plants to the meaning behind songs to how various inventions were created. If he could learn about it, he was going to learn about it.

"Glad you could finally join us Rem."

Heels clicking harshly against the stone, Remus sat himself on the wooden arm of the bench, flicking his leg so that they were crossed over one another and he was capable of leaning his elbow on the top of his knee for some support.

"I wasn't about to miss out on my bro finally getting his soul mark, now was I?"

"You're getting yours as well, don't forget. That's sort of the case when you're twins and born on the same day."

Remus waved a hand to dismiss the point, "I'm only having a party because you're taking over the house and it gives me an excuse to get drunk and try and get laid with one of you lot." Glancing around at the disgusted faces, he laughed loudly and looked over at Virgil who had finally pushed himself up back to sitting rather than laying down, winking towards him just to watch as he recoiled again. He grinned, blew a kiss and pushed himself back so that he was laying over the part of the bench that wasn't already taken up, boots kicking their pointed heels directly into the air above him.

For the most part the twins weren't overly different. They both enjoyed theatre, they both were very much into fashion and making sure that they had their own style that had no chance of being accused of copying anyone, they both were confident in themselves. Well actually that was where the similarities stopped. Remus was significantly more lewd compared to his brother, making no effort to hide any part of him and practically strutting down the street like it was his own personal catwalk. If sexual innuendos were a physical person, then they would form themselves in the shape of Remus. Censoring? What was that? If he wanted to say something then by hell he was going to say it, no need to keep it to himself when they were all going to be adults soon enough and his favourite topics of conversation weren't something that they were unfamiliar with. It was also well known that he was the more adventurous of the six. Somehow he had managed to create a fake ID that was good enough to allow him to get himself several of his own tattoos, to get into pretty much any club that believed him and that's not even starting on the ability to walk into a store and walk out with bags full of alcohol.

"Come on Remus," Pat added in, "You have to be excited to find out what your soul mark is, surely? It's your soulmate!"

"Yeah, yeah I know. But what if they're not hot?" Whining, he sat up and frowned. "I can't be expected to fuck someone who isn't hot."

"Language!"

Remus chuckled. It was so easy to wind Patton up that it was basically just an internal competition every time he saw him to see how quickly he was able to get him wound so tightly that it was hilarious. His current record was within 5 seconds of entering when he walked into a room and loudly proclaimed about what he had got up to the night before, resulting in Patton instantly telling him off for using such foul words.

"Either way, we're both going to find out. I just pity the person who has to deal with you."

"At least I'm not going to have my heart broken when I find out that the person I've been going out with for two years doesn't have the matching soul mark."

The minute he had finished the sentence, Remus knew that he had stepped over the boundary which had not been spoken of, but which they all knew that they must be careful of when edging towards it. At any given time he was walking that line like a tightrope, balancing so carefully that one wrong move and he would fall tremendously and bring the friendship which he had with them down alongside him into the pits of hell, a place where many people had informed him he would spend the rest of his days, burning for the sins which he had committed. Sin just makes everything all the more entertaining. Everyone had gone silent. An uncomfortable silence. One which seemed to fill every inch of the park that they were sat in, feet shuffling and clenched jaws grinding teeth across teeth as it took every part of Roman not to lunge out and throttle his brother down to the ground.

"That was uncalled for Remus. You should know that all of us are concerned for their relationship so there was no need for you to bring it up in such a tactless manner. Mentioning it when it involves your own brother as well simply just shows how uncaring you are of the feelings of anyone besides yourself."

"Oh shut it whale dork, I didn't mean it to come across so harshly."

Pushing up to standing, body shaking and hand gripping tightly onto Janus' own, Romans eyes remained strained forward so intensely that he could feel the beginning of a headache pushing at the inside of his skull. He ignored as he was gently tugged to sit back down, only allowing for his gaze to shift back for a split second just to try and allow to emptiness behind his expression to be clear.

"We should get going so that we can start the party before it gets too dark. There are several Disney movies which I want to watch before its time so that I'm more comfortable. If you want to join us, Remus, then you're still welcome."

Relief flooded through the group like a wave, a collective release of breath at knowing that there wasn't going to be a fight being the only indication that anything bad had happened in the first place. Janus and Roman left first, concerned expressions following their every footstep and every minor movement away from them until Patton let go of Logan, the man finally moving his arms around now that they were released from being entrapped within that suffocating hug. Pat walked quickly over to Virgil, head turned on an angle that made his neck ache just so that he could watch as the two left, offering a hand out which was graciously received and helping him to stand back up. Their arms linked together, Patton glanced over his shoulder and followed after the couple who had already left. Logan wasn't certain what to do. He wanted to follow after everybody else, but something about just leaving Remus without saying something didn't sit right within him.

"You should come along. It is your birthday as well and Roman will soon forget about this encounter. Oh!" A memory resurfacing suddenly and pushing its way into the conscious section of his mind, he reached into his bag and pulled out another box similar to that which he had given Roman, shiny, green paper creased perfectly over the edges and a black ribbon curved into a bow on the top. The box was placed on the empty space next to where Remus was sat. "This is yours. You should find it entertaining." Logan forced a small smile onto his face, his attempt at comfort, and headed off back to the twins house before he fell too behind from the others and the schedule he had set out for the evening.

Left alone now, Remus tipped his head over the end of the bench arm, the upside down world which surrounded him being a source of entertainment. He could just stay here and not have to worry about the others, just kick his feet around and see whether he could throw stones at nearby pigeons; extra points if he actually managed to hit one of them. A jogger went past, deliberately avoiding eye contact with Remus and pushing their headphones further onto their head as if he was somehow going to snatch them from several meters away. Screw it. There was no way that he was going to mope around in the increasing darkness, alone until ten just to see his soul mark appear under the pale light of a flickering street lamp, and so he spun around as if on a turning roundabout and allowed his boots to collide heavily with the cobble stoned pathway, the rest of the group far enough away that they seemed like dots.

Hand scooping to grab the present off the bench, Remus skipped to try and catch up with everybody else before they had all the fun without him. After all, he was the only one who was capable of getting them all drinks.


End file.
